Surviving the Holidays: Facing Your Relational Trauma
Are holiday gatherings a source of anxiety, worry, tension? Do you dread spending time with your family?
Family get-togethers can bring up old trauma triggers, adding another layer of stress to an already hectic season.
According to Psych Central, relational trauma is “trauma that occurred within a close relationship, usually with a caregiver.” Instead of feeling excited to spend the holidays with loved ones, you may feel on edge or uncomfortable. Know that this is a normal response — and there are ways to care for yourself through it.
What are the symptoms of relational trauma?
Relational trauma can show up emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and even physically. Here are some of the ways it might surface during the holidays.
Increased anxiety
Spending time with a dysfunctional family can feel unsafe and overwhelming. You might feel pressure to maintain the image of a perfect holiday gathering, which can intensify anxiety or depression.
Your body and mind are signaling caution. This hypervigilance can leave you feeling constantly on guard, trying to protect yourself while interacting with family.
Uncomfortable Flashbacks
While some people have warm holiday memories, yours may bring feelings of anxiety or dread. Being back in that familiar environment can trigger painful recollections.
Objects, locations, or certain people–like family members–may bring back old memories, such as your mom yelling during a family photo or the fear of expressing disappointment about a gift.
It can be deeply uncomfortable to be around reminders of times when you felt unsafe or unseen.
Unexpected mood shifts and outbursts
Trauma can cause strong, unpredictable emotional reactions. A small event might spark an outsized response, such as shouting or sudden tears. Often, these feelings have been building for a while and are released by a trigger.
You may experience rapid shifts, like feeling calm one moment and overwhelmed by sadness, fear, or anger the next. It can feel like your emotions are out of your control.
Avoidance
Simply anticipating the emotional difficulty of being around family may make you want to avoid gatherings altogether. Skipping an event can feel like the only way to protect yourself from being triggered.
This avoidance is often a form of self-protection, not weakness.
Regression
Spending time with the people connected to your trauma can cause you to revert to old patterns or roles. You might find yourself acting or feeling smaller, quieter, or less confident, as if you’ve returned to your childhood self.
Even if you’ve worked hard to grow and heal, being around those who made you feel insignificant can temporarily pull you back into those familiar dynamics.
Why do trauma responses get worse around the holidays?
Returning to the environment where trauma occurred—surrounded by familiar sights, smells, and people—can awaken old feelings of neglect or fear. It’s natural for those emotions to resurface.
Triggers might include seeing old family photos, specific objects, or even hearing certain songs or phrases. Social triggers, like being dismissed or ignored during conversation, can also bring up old pain.
Add in the stress of the season with packed schedules, financial strain, little rest and it becomes a perfect storm for heightened emotional responses.
Combating Relational Trauma
There are ways to calm your body and mind and face your relational trauma so it doesn’t steal your sense of peace or joy. Practices like journaling, recognizing your wounds, and setting boundaries can make a meaningful difference.
Journal for insight and processing
Journaling is a private, safe space to process your experiences and release emotions. Writing can help you notice patterns, such as:
“I seem to get triggered when my mom comments on my relationships.”
“If I leave right after dinner, I’ll feel calmer and can still enjoy the day.”
Recognizing these patterns gives you more control over how you respond in the future. The act of writing itself can also soothe your nervous system.
Find a quiet spot, grab a pen and notebook, and reflect on these prompts:
Is there a fantasy I have about how my family will be this year versus a more realistic view of how they may show up?
What have the holidays been like in the past with my family?
Are there new traditions I want to start? What do I want to nurture or embody this season?
What did my child self need during the holidays, and how can I provide that now?
Take your time with each question and notice any themes or truths that emerge. They can help guide how you care for yourself this year.
Common wounds to look out for
Understanding common relational trauma wounds can help you identify what might be showing up for you:
“I exhaust myself taking care of everyone else.”
You may believe that love means self-sacrifice. Remind yourself, “My needs matter too.” Schedule time to rest and recharge. Caring for yourself first makes caring for others sustainable.“I can’t have my own limits or boundaries because that’s selfish.”
If boundaries feel unsafe, start small. Excuse yourself from a tense conversation or take a break when you feel overwhelmed. Boundaries aren’t rejection, they’re self-protection.“Something is wrong with me.”
Shame can run deep, especially when comparing yourself to curated “perfect” families online. Remember, what you see on social media is not the full truth. Limit your screen time and replace the question “What’s wrong with me?” with “What happened to me?” and “What do I need now?”“I have to earn approval from others by being perfect.”
This belief comes from conditional love. Experiment with small imperfections. Send a text without fixing every typo or try a new hobby and let yourself be bad at it. Notice who still loves you as you are.
Setting boundaries with family
Setting boundaries with family can feel difficult, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to protect your peace. Reflect on what truly matters to you and how you want to feel this season. Boundaries are a tool for connection, not distance. They help relationships stay healthy and respectful.
For more guidance, see our previous post on how to set boundaries with family over the holidays.
Facing relational trauma during the holidays: Final Thoughts
The holidays often bring reminders of family and connection, which can also bring up old wounds. If this season feels tender, let that be your cue to care for yourself with gentleness and intention.
Honor your limits, needs, and capacity as you make plans. You do not have to please everyone. You are allowed to protect your peace. And if grief or old patterns appear, meet them with compassion instead of criticism.
Healing does not require grand gestures. It grows through small, steady choices to show up differently. Each time you rest, set a boundary, or allow yourself to be imperfect, you are quietly creating new patterns of safety and self-worth for the year ahead.
Need extra support in setting boundaries and protecting your peace over the holidays? Check out my guide and journal for setting boundaries in a healthy way: Communicating with your Emotionally Immature Parents without Self-Abandoning.
