Setting Boundaries with Family Over the Holidays
The holidays can be a stressful time where emotions run high. When you have a dysfunctional family, they bring an added layer of stress and anxiety. While others settle in to enjoy cozy Hallmark-esque time with their loved ones, family gatherings marked by complex PTSD and relational trauma usually mean navigating an uncomfortable and challenging dynamic.
Whether it’s your mom who starts in on criticizing your career and relationships with a familiar air of judgement, the pressure you feel to try and keep the peace between your siblings and parents, or feeling unseen and ignored when you try to share some good news about your life with your family, family gatherings can feel like you’re falling back into the trauma you’ve worked so hard to overcome.
With the holiday season on the horizon, now is a good time to prepare for how to navigate them with your dysfunctional family.
Why is it so hard to set boundaries with family?
Setting boundaries can be particularly difficult with your family. You’ve likely taken on a role—like the caretaker—and don’t know how to step back from managing everyone else’s emotions. Often, dysfunctional families struggle with boundaries, creating a web where it’s hard to tell where one person’s life and feelings end and another’s begin.
On top of that, guilt and obligation are often used to maintain control. Instead of honoring each family member as an individual with their own needs, you might be labeled selfish for prioritizing yourself. When you try to assert limits, you may face resistance from those who aren’t used to being denied.
Understanding Your Values and How They Shape Your Holidays
Before you set boundaries or shift long-held family traditions, reflect on what truly matters to you during the holidays. Knowing your values helps you make intentional choices that align with who you are—not just who your family wants you to be. Your values might include:
Connection: You prioritize quality time with your loved ones and meaningful conversations over large gatherings of those you’re not as close to.
Peace: The holidays are chaotic enough. You value a calm and drama-free environment and will say no to anything that disrupts your harmony.
Self-Care: Protecting your mental and emotional health is important to you, so you need to set limits on how much time and energy you are able to give others this holiday season.
Gratitude: Material gifts are not as important as showing your appreciation for others. You’d rather focus on being content with what you have and spread your love in other ways.
Some other values might include rest, joy, spiritual reflection, and simplicity. Identify what you want to prioritize. This can help you let go of inherited expectations that no longer serve you.
When Your Values Clash with Family Expectations
It’s natural for your holiday values to conflict with your family’s expectations—whether it’s your desire for peace versus their love of chaos, or your need for meaningful connection instead of materialism. While you can’t control their behavior, you can choose how to respond by setting gentle but firm boundaries, using “I” statements, or creating your own traditions that honor what matters to you.
Small steps like planning shorter visits or suggesting simpler gift exchanges can help you hold your ground with kindness. Remember, prioritizing your well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary, even if others don’t immediately understand.
Staying True to Your Values
You don’t have to completely dodge your dysfunctional family holiday gathering if you stay true to the boundaries you set intentionally. For example, you might balance out a shorter family visit where you’ve set strong boundaries with hosting a smaller, quieter gathering of close friends or chosen family who respect and share your values. Choices in how you spend your holiday let you step away from chaos or emotional demands without cutting ties entirely.
The key is balancing your needs with compassion, both for yourself and others. You don’t have to explain or justify every decision, but gently communicating your boundaries helps set expectations and reduce misunderstandings.
How to Set Boundaries with Family During the Holidays
Once you understand the challenges you may face, it’s time to get introspective and realize that it’s not selfish to put your own needs first. Sometimes to be able to keep your dysfunctional family members in your life if you so choose, you need to learn how to protect yourself from emotional overwhelm, criticism, and manipulation. Setting healthy boundaries around your family will help you do that.
This section outlines actionable ways to set, express, and hold boundaries during holiday family gatherings.
Identifying Your Limits and Non-Negotiables
Getting clear on your personal limits is the first step toward effective boundaries.
Start by defining what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate this holiday season. Take time to think through and list what behaviors (name calling, guilt trips, etc.) and topics (relationships, career, etc.) bother you when you’re around your family. Reflecting on what you’re feeling resentment or anger about is another great place to start when coming up with your boundaries.
You can also ask yourself, “Why do I need this limit in place?” to help you understand the importance of setting that boundary for yourself. Whether your answer is that it protects your privacy or just gives you more peace, it is valid.
2. Communicating Boundaries Clearly and Calmly
Boundaries don’t work if they’re only in your head. Express them directly and consistently to your family in a neutral manner. Use clear and concise statements like, “I need some time to think about that” or “I’ve already made my decision.”
Whether it's declining an invite, avoiding hot-button topics, or requesting time alone, remember that you have thought about your needs ahead of time and now you need to resolve to hold onto your boundaries.
3. Handling Pushback and Guilt
Expect resistance, especially from family members who benefit from the old dynamics. When expressing your boundaries, avoid justifying and over-explaining as this can invite further argument. No matter how your family reacts to your boundary, stay calm but firm and repeat it as necessary.
Here’s some guidance on how to best handle your family’s reaction to your boundaries:
If they respond with an emotional outburst, pause or end the conversation to de-escalate.
They might try to guilt-trip or shame you for your boundary. You can respond by refusing to engage in arguments about your decision.
If they try to invalidate your feelings or belittle your experiences, you can refuse to debate them and move to end the conversation.
They might try to criticize you or give unsolicited advice. You can respond by politely declining feedback that wasn’t requested.
If you’ve set a boundary regarding your time, you can enforce how and when to engage with your family members in a clear and direct statement. For example, “I can’t talk right now. Let’s discuss it at X.”
Finding Peace: Balancing Family, Boundaries, and the Holiday Spirit
Even with the best boundaries, the holidays may still come with emotional weight. They can be chaotic and messy, but they can also bring joyful times with loved ones. You have the ability to shape your holidays into what you want, choosing your peace over people-pleasing, and redefining what a meaningful holiday looks like for you.
It’s possible to enjoy a holiday that honors both your well-being and your relationships (where possible), create new holiday traditions if you choose, and still enjoy a gathering with your family in a way that flows with your values and supports your emotional health. The key is having good boundaries!
Need extra support in communication with your family over the holidays? Check out my guide and journal that will help walk you through setting boundaries: Communicating with your Emotionally Immature Parents without Self-Abandoning.
