Estranged From Family: What’s Really Behind the No-Contact Decision
The recent media attention surrounding The Oprah Podcast’s episode about choosing to estrange from family has caused a renewed conversation on the topic of parent-child estrangement. While the media tries to frame this narrative as a “growing trend,” they miss the nuance about why adult children go no-contact or low-contact with parents.
Is it really just “trendy” to cut off family members? The media makes it sound like a one-time disagreement or event caused a family member to just walk away. The reality is more complicated.
Deciding to go no-contact with a close family member isn’t a “hasty”, “irrational” or “angry” decision. It is intentional and thought through. Most people do so out of safety, exhaustion, or sadness.
What does it mean to be estranged from family?
Family estrangement refers to the loss of relationship between family members. It occurs when one family member intentionally seeks to distance themselves emotionally and or physically from another family member. To cut off contact with a parent or for a parent to cut off contact with their adult child is not taken lightly, but is usually done as a last resort when all other options have been exhausted.
The estrangement may also exist on a spectrum as each case is unique. Some may still see or speak to one another occasionally due to obligation or circumstances, going no further than they have to. Others may refuse to have any contact whatsoever. In either case, the emotional ties are damaged.
Why estrangement and boundary setting are happening now
As suggested by this NPR podcast from last year, the topic of estrangement seems to be discussed more openly than in the past–but is it really occurring at higher rates than before? Why might that be the case?
We have increased access to mental health education
Look around and you’re surrounded by mental health educational content, whether it’s social media accounts from therapists or people of all backgrounds sharing their own personal experiences. Online experts educate others on the subject of their nervous system, boundaries and reparenting, as well as EMDR and IFS-informed frameworks. People have found a community on various platforms to learn from trusted sources every time they scroll on their phones.
Besides online sources, there’s also a greater interest and availability of trauma literacy. We’re more aware of trauma depicted in films, TV shows, and books and discuss it openly in our daily lives. Our access to psychoeducation has never been so abundant.
With all of this access to information, those who seek advice, validation, or a place to be heard can find it easily. The conversation around mental health has become more normalized and more are aware that you are allowed to make decisions to break harmful generational patterns.
We’re better able to identify harm
Because we’re immersed in a culture that has awakened to what relational trauma looks like, people can now name it for what it is–emotional neglect, enmeshment, gaslighting, or emotional immaturity. This allows us to feel validated in our experiences and recognize that this doesn’t have to be tolerated.
What was once “normal family dysfunction” is now recognized as harm. We are more educated on what healthy behavior looks like as well and how to protect ourselves by setting healthy boundaries with parents or other family members that damage our mental health.
We understand family loyalty is not a reason to ‘stick it out’
Younger generations understand that they are able to disrupt harmful family patterns that pass down unresolved trauma. If parents are abusive or have more of a negative impact on them than positive, adult children are choosing to let them go and find support from others outside of their family if necessary.
A chosen family over a biological family for estranged children is defined by safety. Instead of remaining in a toxic and abusive dynamic where they feel obligated to “keep the peace”, they have actual peace. “But they’re family” isn’t a valid excuse for damaging behavior anymore.
Why parents (or family) may feel it came out of nowhere
Many parents of family members who become estranged say that the estrangement, “came out of nowhere”.
From their perspective, they don’t see the build up of a long accumulation of invalidation, overstepping, neglect, or relational trauma. The estrangement may feel abrupt to them as they expect a more obvious event to cause such a response. From your perspective, you’ve been dealing with their hurtful and harmful behavior for such a long time that you felt there was no other way to protect yourself but to cut the cord.
There might also be generational differences in understanding emotional health and boundaries. Millennials and younger generations are more educated on these topics while it just wasn’t talked about in older generations. While it’s not an excuse for their behavior, it is an explanation why they don’t understand how someone could become estranged from their family.
Enduring the pain of ‘living grief”
For many people, estrangement is not a reactive choice, but a carefully considered response to long-term emotional and relational harm. Framing it otherwise can feel deeply invalidating, especially when the decision is rooted in protecting mental and emotional health after years of trying to repair or endure a painful dynamic.
“Living grief”, which refers to the pain and loss felt in estrangement, is often shaped by what came long before the separation: emotional neglect, enmeshment, chronic invalidation, or relational trauma that keeps the nervous system in a state of stress. The grief holds both the loss of the relationship and the mourning of what was never fully available, making it a quiet, ongoing ache rather than a single moment of loss.
Rewriting What Family Can Mean
The next time you hear the media labeling estrangement as a trend, remember that it’s often a last-resort lifeline for someone’s mental or emotional health. Be kind to those who choose this path as you can never fully know the grief and complexity of their situation.
If you’re in the midst of deciding how to handle your dysfunctional family, know that whatever choice you need to make–whether that’s going low contact or no contact–do what’s best for your emotional well-being. Honor your boundaries, reflect on your history, and prioritize chosen family that makes you feel seen and safe. If needed, find a trusted therapist to help you navigate this journey.
To the ones who choose estrangement, know that healing is possible on the other side and in doing so, you may be choosing the only option that allows generational cycles to be broken.
