Sibling Relationship Healing: Strategies for Restoring the Connection

If you’re lucky, your relationship with your siblings is one of the longest lasting relationships of your life. Having someone who has truly been with you since the beginning and also shares so much of your DNA is a rare and precious thing. Choosing to try and heal, repair or create a new relationship dynamic with your sibling can be so worthwhile because of this.

When you and your siblings grew up with emotionally immature parents, they were your survival buddy, competition for attention, or maybe even “the favorite” that you longed to be. Even though you shared the same household, your experiences were probably miles apart.

Now, as adults, your relationship feels…complicated. And it’s no wonder. A 2023 study showed that when parents have a negative impact on family cohesion (the emotional bonding and sense of connection between family members) and treat their children differently, siblings become more hostile and less affectionate to one another.

Tips for Strengthening Sibling Bonds and Relationship Healing

The truth is that even under the best of circumstances, siblings don’t always grow up to become friends. If you want to restore or strengthen your sibling bond, it takes intentional work and patience–from both sides. Here are some strategies on what you can do to strengthen your sibling relationship that was damaged due to your EIP.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Communication really is the key to understanding your sibling’s perspective and sharing yours. Understand that you and your sibling had different experiences not only because you’re different people but also because your parents may have treated you differently. Be willing to share how the past affected you while remaining open minded about your sibling’s experience.

Try to actively listen and reflect back to them what they’re saying so that they feel understood. Don’t interrupt them when they’re speaking or jump to conclusions. Remember that they want to feel heard as much as you do. Acknowledge their feelings even if you don’t agree with everything they say.

Use “I” statements when sharing your point of view to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel…” instead of “You always…”

Respect Differences

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

“Your brother gets good grades, why can’t you?”

Unhealthy comparisons can be hard to overcome, especially if they were perpetuated by your EIP. 

You are both individuals with differences and that’s okay! View your sibling as a unique person with their own strengths, personality, interests, and life approach. Don’t try to change each other, but respect one another for who you both are today, honoring each other’s boundaries or limits.

Express Appreciation for One Another

When you’ve grown up in a household that lacks emotional expression or warmth, showing appreciation to your sibling can feel especially healing. Take the time to acknowledge the little things. A simple, “I appreciate you,” can go a long way to open up emotional space for trust and connection to grow. Don’t be afraid to send that thoughtful text, make that heartfelt compliment, or give that hug to start nurturing your present relationship.

Create New Traditions

Sometimes the best way to move on is to start fresh and what better way to do that than to create new memories with new family traditions?

New traditions are a more concrete way to help define your relationship with your sibling as an adult and separate you both from old patterns. These traditions don’t need to only be confined to the holidays, you could also set up a regular phone call, a monthly outing, or another activity that you would both look forward to doing together.

And if there is a nostalgic family tradition that you want to revisit, that can also be a great way to bond as you share memories and bridge emotional gaps.

Seek Therapy or Mediation (if needed)

Sometimes the relationship is particularly strained or the past is too overwhelming and you need outside support. This isn’t a sign that your relationship with your sibling can never experience some healing, just that you shouldn’t do it alone.

A neutral third party like a family therapist or mediator can help navigate unresolved issues, improve communication, and create a path toward healing. When you’re ready, you and your sibling will have better footing to improve on and nurture your relationship moving forward.

More About Complicated Sibling Dynamics

Get answers to common questions about complicated sibling dynamics. 

What causes unhealthy sibling relationships?

Unhealthy sibling relationships are often the result of a dysfunctional family environment with parents playing a significant role. Parents who are emotionally immature and inconsistent in their parenting create an environment that promotes sibling competition, unhealthy emotional regulation, and inconsistent support. 

As a result, the children wind up competing for attention from the parents, acting out unresolved stress, or being pitted against each other with one designated as the favorite and another as the scapegoat. This leads to resentment and rivalry and creates distant relationships between siblings that can carry over into adulthood.

How common is sibling estrangement?

Estrangement occurs when sibling relationships are so tense that one or both siblings decide to cut off or reduce contact with one another. Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways, and it can be a deep wound that not all want to repair.

Sibling estrangement at some point in life is not as uncommon as you might believe. A 2022 quantitative study based on data from the German Family Panel looked at sibling estrangement in three different birth groups from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. They found that 28% (about 1 in 4 respondents) experienced at least one estrangement from at least one sibling during the observation period.

Stop seeing yourself as a constant unfinished project and accept yourself for exactly where you are, right now. In your body. Included and in the present.

How to know when to walk away from a sibling?

Knowing when it’s time to walk away from a sibling can be a difficult, but sometimes necessary, decision. It’s normal to feel torn between wanting to make your relationship work and needing to have more distance from harmful behaviors. When your own well-being is not being protected, then you might consider stepping back. 

If you are experiencing excessive toxic behavior, such as manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional or physical abuse, you have the right to protect yourself over the relationship. If you have set clear boundaries with your sibling and they are continually ignored or violated, it’s a sign your sibling does not have respect for your well-being and you should choose to take care of yourself.

In addition, behaviors that have been formed from growing up with EIP, such as codependency, might leave you feeling drained. If your sibling expects you to fulfill all of their emotional needs and there is a lack of your own individual identity outside of your sibling, then it’s time to create distance.

Distancing yourself from your sibling might just be your last resort after trying everything you can and not seeing any willingness to change on their part. You can only control yourself and your actions and sometimes walking away–temporarily or permanently–is the only thing you can do. 

Sibling Relationship Healing: Is it possible?

Sibling relationship healing is absolutely possible, but it takes time, effort, and most importantly, the willingness of two people to reflect and grow. If you and your sibling are serious about working through past issues, communicating openly, and showing respect to one another, you will have a beautiful foundation on which to build your new and improved relationship.