How to Choose a Safe Trauma Therapist After Hurt
So you’ve decided to give therapy another try or you’ve made the choice to try it for the very first time. The next step is to find a safe trauma therapist. Should be easy, right?
One of the lesser talked about problems about starting therapy is how to find the right trauma therapist you can trust with your story, the one who is the best fit for you and your needs. This step is an important one for your healing and recovery but not all therapists will fit what you need.
To give you the best chance, here’s what you should know before signing on with another therapist.
Why finding a trauma therapist is so hard
You’re not imagining it. Finding the right trauma-informed therapist is a struggle that many face. In fact, it was ranked as the number one struggle in a recent poll I took on my Instagram stories. Many want help, but it does take some work on your end to find a safe therapist that fits your needs.
Not everyone knows what kind of therapy they should look for, especially if therapy is new to you. Then there’s knowing where to look, insurance questions, and locating one that’s close enough to travel to regularly if you want to attend in person.
If you’re returning to therapy, you know all too well that a bad therapy experience can also make you more resistant to looking for another therapist. First, take time to celebrate your decision to give it another shot because you deserve to heal. The hesitance you have about returning is to be expected. A bad therapy experience can cause you emotional fatigue, worsen trust issues, and create fear that you’ll relive your trauma again unnecessarily. But with the right therapist, this shouldn’t happen.
Therapist red flags: bad therapy experiences
There’s nothing as disheartening as finally getting up the courage to take control of your healing and beginning therapy only to realize that your therapist makes you uncomfortable, is judgmental, lacks empathy, and has poor boundaries. That’s not just a “bad” therapist–those are red flags.
A therapist that doesn’t feel right to you is reason enough to stop therapy with that therapist, but there are certain identifiable red flag behaviors that indicate they may not be for you.
Judgment or minimization. Does your therapist say things that make you feel judged? Are you holding back telling them things because you’re afraid how they’ll respond to you? Or maybe they belittle your feelings or perceptions instead of helping you process them.
Dismissing family dynamics. In the same vein, does your therapist make light of how your dysfunctional family has affected you? If they reply to your family stories with, “But she’s your mother,” then that’s a serious sign your therapist isn’t on the same page with you.
Poor boundaries. When seeking a trauma-informed therapist, you should expect them to model healthy boundaries with you since this is an area you likely need their help developing in your relationships. If they start blurring the line between being professional and feeling overly friendly in any way, reveal too much about their personal life to you, or make you worry that you’ll disappoint them, you should definitely pay attention.
Rushing trauma processing. Your processing takes however long it needs to take. No therapist should pressure you to rush steps on your journey, especially before you’re ready. They should be there to support you step by step on your unique timeline.
If you notice any of these red flags with your therapist or just don’t feel comfortable talking to them, know that you can walk away to put more energy into finding a safer therapist for you.
What a safe trauma therapist feels like instead
Now that you know what you shouldn’t tolerate in a therapist, let’s consider what a safe trauma therapist should feel like. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, confused, or pressured, these therapists will make you feel grounded and safe.
With the right therapist, you won’t be judged. Instead, you’ll better understand yourself and have the tools to facilitate your healing. You won’t worry about holding back pieces of yourself during sessions, scared that your therapist will minimize your experiences. Your trauma therapist will make you feel like they are a trusted confidante with sessions focused on you–not bringing in their personal life.
Most importantly, a trusted trauma therapist won’t rush you to move forward if you’re not ready yet. They will hold space for where you are in your journey and gently encourage you when they feel you are ready, but they will never force you. This doesn’t mean that therapy is always easy and comfortable, just that you should go at a pace that serves you, not your therapist.
Look for these characteristics that a safe trauma therapist will exhibit:
A good therapist collaborates with you instead of acting as someone who holds power over you.
A safe therapist respects your timing and pacing and doesn’t rush you when you’re not ready.
They demonstrate a curiosity in what you say, asking follow up questions and helping reflect things back to you–not doling out judgment.
A trauma-informed therapist is aware of boundaries and communicates them clearly and consistently.
A good trauma-informed therapist will also have training and experience working with clients with complex trauma and or generational trauma.
They ask you for feedback and repair any miscommunications or ruptures that happen in session.
Where to look for trauma therapists
But where are the best places to look for these great trauma therapists anyway?
It should come as no surprise that online therapy directories are a great place to start your search. Try directories like Psychology Today and Inclusive Therapists to start. You can narrow your options by location, the type of therapy, type of therapist, and details like if you want someone who takes your insurance. Here are some keywords that might be helpful on these directories as well. Use terms like:
EMDR
relational trauma and therapy
Trauma-informed
Attachment-based
complex PTSD/C-PTSD
emotionally immature parents
dysfunctional families
inner child work
Somatics
developmental trauma
childhood trauma
recovering from narcissistic abuse
generational trauma
Reparenting
The next best place to start is with word of mouth referrals. Ask your friends or those in your network if they have a recommendation for a good therapist. This works great because you’ll be introduced to therapists that are in your area and the therapist has also been “vetted” before you by someone you know.
Another great place to look is on social media. Many therapists use social media to attract and educate potential clients, but it also helps clients like you find them. Look for those that practice in your state and browse their profile and posts so you can get a feel for who they are before you even book a session.
The process of finding a safe trauma therapist
The following are the best practices to quickly find a safe therapist for you while helping weed out the bad ones.
Ask for a Free Consultation Call (And Use It)
Look for therapists that offer a free consultation call with them before you book a session with them. This is a sign that they put in a lot of effort to make sure their potential clients are a good fit. But remember that a good fit between a therapist and client goes both ways. Use this call to feel out the potential therapist to see if they are right for you and pay close attention to their answers.
Questions of what to ask a trauma therapist:
Do you work with people from dysfunctional families?
What is working with you like / what is your style of therapy?
Are you a collaborative therapist?
How do you support clients setting boundaries with parents?
How do you approach trauma pacing?
What happens if something doesn’t feel right in therapy?
Have you been to therapy yourself?
If the free consultation call goes well, that’s an encouraging sign to book a session with them.
Using the First Therapy Session as a Trial Run
Treat your first therapy session with your new therapist as a trial run. As they get to know you, you may still decide that this fit might not be right–and that’s okay! You need to trust your instinct to some degree here.
Pay special attention to how you feel leaving the session. It might be helpful to write down your feelings right after your session so you can remember as best as you can how you feel initially. Did you feel like your therapist really heard and respected you? Notice if consent and collaboration were present. Did you create a treatment plan together?
If your session left you feeling dismissed, rushed, or responsible for the therapist’s feelings, then it’s probably not the right therapist for you.
If It’s Not a Fit, How to End Therapy (and Try Again)
Remember that not every therapist is a good fit for you. To reach the best version of yourself, you need guidance from a therapist that you trust and feel safe with. If your therapist doesn’t meet that criteria, it’s totally okay to break up with a therapist. You can do so by simply telling them it’s not working–know that you don’t owe a big explanation.
Email, call, or text them and say, “This isn’t feeling like a good fit for me, unfortunately. Can you send me referrals?”
If the therapist doesn’t have training or experience in a certain modality you’d like to explore, try, “Thank you for all your help but I”m ready to try a different type of modality in therapy. Can you give me referrals for therapists who do EMDR, somatics, etc. [insert whatever you’d like to try].”
If the issue is that the therapist is consistently late to your sessions or cancels often, you can say something like, “It seems like we’re having issues with scheduling and I’d like to be more consistent. Can you send me some referrals for other therapists in the area who have a similar speciality as you? Thank you!”
How long should you “try” a therapist?
There’s no right or wrong answer to this question and finding the right therapist for you might be a series of trial and error.
If right off the bat you are noticing that there are a number of fundamental things that aren’t a good fit with a certain therapist (they are dismissive, don’t understand trauma work, judge you, etc.) it’s fine to say that at the end of the session or message them later to let them know.
If there are one or two things that you’re worried about after the first session and are unsure about the fit, you can meet again and address those things in person by saying things like, “When you said X in the first session it made me…” See if they make an effort to repair and find solutions. If after addressing things it still doesn’t feel like a good fit or if they completely dismissed your concerns, it’s definitely time to start looking at other options.
You Deserve a Safe Trauma Therapist
Know that you are the most important factor when it comes to your own healing. Your choice to seek therapy and find a safe trauma therapist that is the best fit for you is one of the most important decisions you can make. If a therapist doesn’t feel right for you, leave them and try a new one.
Simpler said than done, but the right therapist will make you feel safe and be the best tool you can have as you heal. Don’t let a bad therapy experience or therapist get in the way of your healing. When you’re ready to try again, remember why you’re doing this. Take what you’ve learned into your next therapist search and try again because your healing and peace is worth it.
